Drinking some green tea and recording the rain in front of my window before I start my strength training…

I’m so proud of myself, because today was so stressful and hard and still I mastered every challenge. I ate healthy, I didn’t over-eat (and this is so important to me, because I didn’t even think of binging), I didn’t purge (okay, sadly I had a few moments after work, where I wanted to), I wasn’t intimated by any situation (and there were a lot!!!), I ate clean, I laughed, I talked to the people who are important to me and I felt content. 

I don’t know what I will eat after my workout.

I hope that I can go to bed today and be content with myself. 
That I did everything to be a better and a healthier person.

This box was once full with 100 examples of medical gloves.

Want to know why this pic is so important to me?

Because every time I purged, I used one of the gloves to protect my right hand, my purging hand.
When I started purging, it seemed like the ultimate solution for weight loss, but the first side effect I got was really dry and brittle skin on my right hand. While I was scrubbing the kitchen floor using gloves, I got the idea to use one of these gloves for purging. Since then I used them every time. But they only helped me to protect my hand, but the rest of me was still falling apart.

This is the second box of medical gloves I bought.
Over 200 purges.
A lot more binges.

I really hope that I’m not in need of a third box. 

It’s unbelievable how much my eating habits changed since I started to eat more meat, fish and veggies and much less fruits, carbs and sugar. 

I still crave candies etc., but I can stop after a acceptable portion size. Even the size of my meals decreased and I feel fuller earlier and - and this seems so unbelievable after b&p for nearly 8 months - I can stop eating. My favorite binge foods don’t taste as good as they used to be and drinking diet coke is strange, because it’s tasting so strange. I feel accomplished when my stomach feels satisfied and not full to exploding. 

In the last 2 weeks my body got so much stronger. I could heavier weights. I could cycle more km every single day. Slowly I can see my abs forming in my stomach again. 
It’s a shame that I have to pause because the muscles in my legs are so sore! Yesterday I woke up and couldn’t even stand up without being in so much pain. Today it was a lot easier, but it still hurts so much to stand up after sitting down. My mind said that I should take a pain pill and work on my body fat, but I changed my eating habits and I want to change the relationship to my body, too. 
So I’m only running with the children to the playground, playing tag and lifting the babies to the diaper changing table.

It’s frightening to change my habits.
I was used to be ana. I was used to mia. I was used to work out.
And now?

Now I have to relearn to do what is healthy.
For my body, for my mind, for myself.

There are some superfoods which I need to eat/drink with every binge, because they are not only super-easy to purge, but they coat my whole stomach are pushing everything out of my belly while purging.

Atm I’m drinking a no-name vanilla shake. This shake is so cool and smooth before a purge and I could drink 2 liters of it and still crave more. Everything in my stomach is mixing up with this shake and when I purge, all the food is coming up. When I’m only purging this shake, then I know that my stomach empty.

But there is one ultimate shake, I absolutely adore because while purging it’s even pushing everything out of me. This shake is a diet shake, similar to slim fast. You have to mix some powder with some water and then you can drink it. It’s really expensive, but I’m so fascinated with this shake, because I could purge a whole glass of pb at once after drinking only one shake.

Ice cream is okay, too.

PS: Yes, I know that purging is not the solution and I’m struggling to stop purging myself. Thinking, talking and writing about it, is helping me a lot.

Cooking implies that I eat and when I start to eat, then I can’t stop my over-eating habit. But atm I have a few veggie-leftovers in my fridge and I really crave some veggie soup.

Tomorrow I will start the New York Body Diet (David Kirsch) and continue my P90 program. So my whole fridge is full with a lot of fresh veggies, fish, chicken and turkey xD
I did this diet once and I hope that now it can help me to tone up more, lower my body fat (I gained a lot back X.x) and let me recover my eating habits.

* David Kirsch and Heidi Klum 

… but I’m so happy about the changes in my body while eating so much.

Two weeks ago, I started the P90 workouts and two weeks ago, I started eating a lot. Around 2.000 cals a day, but with a lot of fruits and veggies while working out like crazy. One hour on my stationary bike in the morning (min. 800 cals) and one workout in the evening (around 300 cals). In the last few days I got faster and faster in the morning (atm I’m at 34 km per hour) and yesterday I used a new set of dumbbells (atm 10 lbs).

I can see and feel my body changing, getting more toned, getting more muscled, getting more power. I’m so proud of my toned arms and I think it’s okay to eat more cals a day, but on the other hand it feels so wrong to eat so much after restricting the whole last year.

I also tend to eat a really big meal at once and then I eat nothing for the next few hours. Then I start snacking until I stuff my face with another really big meal. Because of my binging, my stomach expanded a lot, so I really have to eat a lot to feel full and it also is nearly impossible to stop eating when I’m satisfied. 

I also discovered that I’m a emotional eater. Two days ago, I made a mistake at work and I got nearly crazy while searching for something eatable at work. At home, I ate all my bread at once and even went to the supermarket to get some sweets, candy and ice cream. At one point, I stopped and I realized what I was doing. I had to admit that I feel very lonely atm. I moved into my new apt, I started a new workout program, I need a lot of time to prepare for work, so I don’t have much time for my friends etc. My whole day is filled with things I have to do, but in the evening, before I go to bed, when I start my binges, these are the moments when I feel lonely. I don’t know how to change that, because the husband of my bff doesn’t like me and is forbidding my bff to meet with me.

I’m thinking about continuing with the P90 workouts, but switching with my diet to  the eating plan of the NYBP of David Kirsch. I need a plan to lean how to eat “normal” again and when I started the NYBP over 14 months ago, it helped me lot to shed a few pounds. 

Atm my life is so stressful that there are never enough hours per day to do all the things I have to do. I’m working my ass off at work, I’m working my ass off during my workouts and I fill all my fears with binges and purges.

Every morning I wake up and start my morning with one hours on my stationary bike. Today was my bestest time ever: 31.3 km in 64 minutes and I burned around 900 cals. I went back to IF and drop breakfast, I only drink a big cup of coffee with some soy milk and some stevia.

At work, I try to stay away from all the candy and if I crave something sweet, then I eat my SOS-apple and drink another cup of coffee to curb the cravings.

In my lunch break, I eat a big monster-salad (around 100 cals with dressing) and even when I eat something for lunch with the children, my portion size is lower. For dessert I eat more fruits with some yogurt.

In the evening, I eat some more tomatoes and - after my P90 workout - mix some protein powder with little water and some more fruits.

I’m taking OxyElite Pro again and I’m checking out when it’s the best time to take the first (directly before I start my morning workout) and the second pill (still pending). 

I think it’s shocking that I burn around 1.000 cals every day. With my diet pills, I still can power through my day and laugh and run and jump with the children. But on the other hand: today I ate around 1.000 cals, I burned around 1.200 cals and I still feel like the greatest failure ever. I see already great results (day 8 of P90), my arms are toning up, I will switch to the next set of dumbbells next week, the km-number is growing every day, even during a binge I can stop after eating less food, but the only thing I see atm is the lump of fat on my belly, the shocking number on my scale and the face of the loser in the mirror.

I never thought that I could hate my belly so much. I always looked at my ass or at my legs, but now the only thing I see is my big, fat, wobbly belly. My mind knows that my belly is bloated because of my b&p and because I’m eating dairy again (and because my stomach can’t digest lactose, it sits in my belly and causes this bloating etc), but I can’t change my behavior. I even have to take zinc pills again, because of all this restricting and working out, my body doesn’t get enough nutrition to heal my scratches etc.

I’m stuck in a black hole of self-hate and there’s no escape. 

because I don’t post as much as I used to, but atm my life is really okay. I eat nearly perfect (lots of veggies and fruits), I don’t binge as much as I used to, I work out every day and I go to work every day. I went to the tanning salon again, because I missed the sun so much and finally stopped taking the antibiotics. I feel more comfortable in my skin. I’m proud that the muscles in my arms are more defined and I feel even more proud of the muscles in my legs!

Even with the bad background and the miserable light, you can see how strong my legs got with all my cycling and running. My legs are made of steel!!!
And I’m trying to remember myself constantly that I feel more happy these legs or some strong abs than a low number on the scale. 
I don’t know my CW and I’m trying to stay away from the scale.
Until sunday.

And I think the main reason for this change in my attitude is that I stopped drinking diet coke.
Atm I’m drinking a lot of self-made lemonade like grapefruit/lime/lemon juice with carbonated water. And I’m drinking more coffee again. 

And for today there’s only a cardio workout (day 4 of the P90) waiting for me and I want to dye my hair black again tonight.

Sleeping, Sleeping, drinking some self-made grapefruit-soda, hearing the birds outside of my window, sleeping some more, feeling my stomach shrinking, getting motivated to work out, sleeping, taking a hot bath, feeling skinny and beautiful-

Atm I don’t know what to post on my blog. My life is so boring at the moment. I sleep a lot, wake up, try to resist the urge to binge, to over-eat, to eat and to purge. Since I stopped drinking diet soda, I have more control over my binging tendencies, so I’m only fighting my habit to binge. My portion sizes are a lot smaller and my stomach is already shrinking. The number on my scale is still higher than I feel comfortable with, but the muscles in my arms are more defined than ever. I think I’m at a crosspoint where I use my scale as my only measurement or I forget my scale and let me guide from my own body. I want to lose weight to see my abs again (my abs, my abs. they are always my trouble spots), my chest bones already are more prominent.

Tomorrow I’ll get my salary and I want to buy myself a new bikini. My old ones are too big and baggy.
And I want to get a new telly for my bedroom. After I re-papered the wall in my bedroom with this great wall paper of a forest, I feel so comfortable in my bedroom that I started to read a few books in my bed again. 

And I still don’t know which sofa I want to get for my living room.