Atm my life is so stressful that there are never enough hours per day to do all the things I have to do. I’m working my ass off at work, I’m working my ass off during my workouts and I fill all my fears with binges and purges.
Every morning I wake up and start my morning with one hours on my stationary bike. Today was my bestest time ever: 31.3 km in 64 minutes and I burned around 900 cals. I went back to IF and drop breakfast, I only drink a big cup of coffee with some soy milk and some stevia.
At work, I try to stay away from all the candy and if I crave something sweet, then I eat my SOS-apple and drink another cup of coffee to curb the cravings.
In my lunch break, I eat a big monster-salad (around 100 cals with dressing) and even when I eat something for lunch with the children, my portion size is lower. For dessert I eat more fruits with some yogurt.
In the evening, I eat some more tomatoes and - after my P90 workout - mix some protein powder with little water and some more fruits.
I’m taking OxyElite Pro again and I’m checking out when it’s the best time to take the first (directly before I start my morning workout) and the second pill (still pending).
I think it’s shocking that I burn around 1.000 cals every day. With my diet pills, I still can power through my day and laugh and run and jump with the children. But on the other hand: today I ate around 1.000 cals, I burned around 1.200 cals and I still feel like the greatest failure ever. I see already great results (day 8 of P90), my arms are toning up, I will switch to the next set of dumbbells next week, the km-number is growing every day, even during a binge I can stop after eating less food, but the only thing I see atm is the lump of fat on my belly, the shocking number on my scale and the face of the loser in the mirror.
I never thought that I could hate my belly so much. I always looked at my ass or at my legs, but now the only thing I see is my big, fat, wobbly belly. My mind knows that my belly is bloated because of my b&p and because I’m eating dairy again (and because my stomach can’t digest lactose, it sits in my belly and causes this bloating etc), but I can’t change my behavior. I even have to take zinc pills again, because of all this restricting and working out, my body doesn’t get enough nutrition to heal my scratches etc.
I’m stuck in a black hole of self-hate and there’s no escape.