Yesterday I wrote about the diet I follow. Because there’s a lot of oats, I decided to make a big batch of oatmeal (so I don’t have to cook for every single meal), added some protein powder and put the xxl-bowl into my fridge.

So every time, I want to eat some oatmeal, I get a small portion and add some cinnamon and sugar.

And somehow, I don’t get any cravings.

Every time I’m hungry, I go to the fridge and get a small, healthy, low cal portion of carbs and protein and I don’t get ANY cravings.

After two days of eating oatmeal, some almonds and chicken and some strength training, my muscles had a big growth spurt (I’m so sore, but it feels so good!). I have so much more power and I don’t have any urge to b/p.

I still feel so uncomfortable, when I ate more food than I needed to. These are the moments, where I still think of purging. But then I try to drink some water and to wait for 30 minutes. Half an hour later, my stomach is flat again.

Tomorrow I want to go to the supermarket to get some more oats, veggies, almonds, chicken, dark chocolate (99% :D ), green tea, etc. and I really think that I won’t start a binge shopping - the 1st time in weeks.

Cooking 3 liters of oatmeal seems to be my Holy Grail to finally getting healthy.

…, but what I like more than being skinny is to see my arm muscles flex. To see my abs stretch. To see my leg muscles working. To feel sore after a good workout. To feel content when my muscles are aching the next day. To see my muscles growing.

I’m so afraid of the number on my scale and it seems so hard, but I really love it to feel my strong body and I want to get so much stronger.

So I’m sticking to this diet and this exercises.

I always loved bodybuilding.com. There are so many workouts, so many tips about diet, exercising, etc. I don’t know why I waited for this day to put all these tips into action.

Today I failed in my diet, because I ate two slices of cake, but I did all my exercises (burned 1.200 cals), I was on my feet the whole day at work and I didn’t neither binge nor purge (2nd day).

I try to persuade myself that I can keep calm and keep going.

Nothing was worse than my life 3 days ago. 

Use the motivation of all these people and do one of her workouts :)

I never knew that pitayas are so delicious!!!

If I read this, then it seems as if I have a choice. But in reality, there’s no choice. There’s no crosspoint in my life anymore, where I could decide to get “healthy and strong” instead of “starving and skinny”.
I started my weight loss as a journey and I chose to follow the path of a diet with quick results, but the bridge to my normal eating habits broke down and now I’m sitting in a desert with no way back. And there’s only myself and my self-hate and my pain.

If I could cross the desert, perhaps then there would be a new crosspoint, but at the moment I don’t care anymore. I’m too weak to take another step.

thinnerthanyouare answered your question: Having diabetes and ED

I’m curious as to how you’ve become underweight being diabetic. My mom is type 1 and she’s tried everything to lose weight

then your mom is the first type 1 diabetic who is overweight I know of. every other type 1 one I know is at a normal weight and in no need to lose some weight. on the other hand, every type 2 diabetic I know is more on the heavy side/overweight/obese. 

if you want to know how I lost weight, read my blog:
fasting, restricting, working out, b&p, even some diet pills.

what are the stats of your mom?
what did your mom do to lose weight?
did she restrict her cals? did she work out? did she eat more healthy? skipped fast food and food high in sugar? whole grains?
then she should lose weight as every other healthy person.

other important questions for weight loss can be:
how is her blood sugar? does she use insulin pens or an insulin pump? does she take other medications? 
perhaps she should talk with her doc?
I know that some diabetics try to target another blood sugar after consultation with their doc. 160-180 mg/dl instead of 80-120 mg/dl, but even this can be dangerous for her kidneys.